Take yourself back to your first relationship.
The absolute high. That feeling of walking on air, of being unable to focus on anything else.
Counting down the days, hours and even minutes until you could see your true love again.
Wasn’t it marvellous? Delightful! Intoxicating! Exhilarating!
Until … it wasn’t.
Can you recall how absolutely devastated you felt when you realised it was over? The pain! The tears! Feeling your heart break into pieces and just knowing you would never be happy again.
Love huh? It’s what makes the world go round, but it also hurts so much when it doesn’t work out!
And watching our children experience this heartache is another level of pain entirely, especially when we can’t actually fix it for them! There’s no Band-Aid, no special treat, no hug that will make it all better.
So what can we do when our teen’s heart is breaking?
Firstly, don’t try to fix this. There’s not much we can do or say at this time to make things right for them.
When the relationship is over, your teenager will probably not want to talk with you about it. To them, you wouldn’t understand what they’re going through. The breakup is unique and exquisitely painful in ways a parent wouldn’t comprehend.
Our child just needs us to be available to them, to allow them to grieve and process the big, crushing emotions they are experiencing. It is during these difficult times that the quality of your relationship with your teenager will be a significant influence on their well-being and resilience.
When parenting teens, we need to offer connection at a time when they are feeling so very disconnected from the person they love. Sit with them, don’t try to stop the tears, and remind them that you love them (No Matter What).
Some ideas for connecting during this difficult time:
- Invite them to chat with you if they feel like it. Perhaps they’ll come out for a hot chocolate or ice cream with you – or just go for a walk. Keep them close.
- Watch a movie together. In fact, do anything together!
- Recognise the emotions they are feeling and reassure them that it’s normal. Label the emotion, validate it, and ask how you can help.
- Give them a little bit of slack in relation to chores and commitments. When you’re depressed, you probably don’t want to do anything either.
What your teen doesn’t need from you
Disapproval
Sometimes we’ll be delighted that a relationship has ended. We try to hide it, but we end up saying something like,
“That kid was no good. In a few weeks you’ll be glad it’s over.”
Or we simply get annoyed at our children for being emotional.
“Get over yourself. You’re blowing things out of proportion. Stop being such a sook about it.”
Dismissal
It can be natural for us, as parents, to try and wave away the pain our broken-hearted teen is feeling in the hope that it will help. We say things like:
“Don’t worry. You’ll get over him/her.”
“There’s plenty more fish in the sea.”
“Oh come on, it’s not that bad. You don’t really know what real love is yet. That was just puppy love.”
But it doesn’t help. It only re-emphasises that we don’t understand what life is like for them.
They will survive their first breakup (and you will too)
These first relationships are a part of growing up. We know this at a basic level, but it’s worth emphasising because it can be so challenging when our teens fall in love, and when their world comes crashing down. They teach our children how to have healthy, positive relationships.
As a teen parent, you’ll never be completely ready for your child’s first breakup; it will always be intense and hard.
It’s the quality of the relationship you have with your teen that will help you both navigate the good and the bad of teen relationships and breakups.
That, and a respectable supply of chocolate.
Original Post – happyfamilies.com.au
Loading...
0 Comments